Liberosis (I Don't Want to Care Anymore)
by trxylerhxwelter
Summary: Liberosis: The Desire to Not Care Since his break up with Magnus, Alec has been desperately trying to drown his feelings in alcohol and cheap sex. When his latest hook up doesn't go as planned, maybe Alec gets what he really needed.
The bass thumping in Alec's chest was gradually numbing as he downed yet another drink. It was the third time he'd found himself here this week, desperately attempting to drown his sorrows in alcohol and sex. Just because it wasn't working yet didn't mean that he couldn't keep trying. At least the hangover sure to come would stop him trying to reach out for Magnus, only to remember everything and how badly he fucked it all up.

He had been here with Magnus once. He had still been a shy, closeted kid, too afraid of himself to enjoy the atmosphere. Magnus had held his hand, assured him that no one here could possibly tell his parents that he was at a gay bar. Now though, he just didn't care enough to bother sorting out Downworlders from mundanes. He didn't even feel self conscious without a glamour on, though admittedly, this was partially Magnus' doing. Alec had been so happy and safe with him that glamours had faded to the back of his mind when in public. Now he just didn't have the energy to care.

In the meantime though, Alec would keep waiting for someone, anyone, to distract him. He never needed to wait very long. The club was always full of people looking for cheap sex with no strings attached, something Alec could handle if he didn't think about it and how he was only meant to love Magnus, but Magnus stopped loving him and _oh angel he really fucked this up._

Here he was again though, thinking about how much he loved Magnus and how much he hated himself and how much he despised what he kept doing to try and put together some semblance of okayness, but it was all he felt he could do. There was nobody who he could talk to about this, nobody who cared and nothing to stop his thoughts going back to _him-_

Suddenly his attention was ripped from his downward spiral of self pity as a man cleared his throat to Alec's left.

"Hey Gorgeous, what're you doing here all alone? Maybe I could keep you company?" the guy looked Alec up and down, a smirk playing on his lips. _He's a natural,_ was all Alec could think. Luckily his recent experience with over-confident men had given him _some_ skill in flirting and he could actually talk to attractive strangers nowadays, rather than stumbling over words and using cheesy one-liners.

"I'm Alec," he introduced himself, glancing at the man from the corner of his eye, "and what should I call you?"

"Call me yours tonight, baby," the man said, making Alec raise an eyebrow at his cockiness, "but before we get _there_ why don't I get you a drink?"

Before he knew it, Alec found himself sweaty and shirtless, inches from his latest fling's bed. His mind was blank in the moment, as he strained for breath in between heated kisses. Some part of his mind still insisted that this was _wrong_ and that he was _Magnus'_ not this random guy's, but more of his brain was on fire with the touch of another man and the rush of what was sure to come.

"You know I need to know what your name is if I'm gonna be screaming it tonight," Alec breathed, "You wouldn't want to deprive me of that would you?"

"Only because you asked _so_ nicely, baby," the man chuckled, "Call me Mack-"

Alec froze. No. Nonono _nononono._ Intellectually, Alec knew that it was stupid that this guy's name was reason enough to freak, but for a startling moment, Alec was sure Mack would say _Magnus_.

"You okay, Alec? What's wrong?" Mack's voice was suddenly filled with concern, a stark opposite to the sensual tone he had been using all night, "Alec?"

Alec's head was a blur. Suddenly he realised that just sleeping around wasn't going to fix what he had done, and it certainly wasn't going to make him feel better. Well, okay, he'd figured it out weeks ago, but only now suddenly reminded of Magnus it all felt realer than before.

Alec heard Mack's voice, cutting through his haze in a few simple words, "Alec, talk to me, shhh it's okay Alec."

Alec looked back up at Mack, still a little shaken by his moment of panic. He felt like he couldn't speak, as if something was gripping his throat, cutting off his air and his words along with it.

"Alec? Do you wanna talk about it?" Mack asked, taking Alec's hand and sitting them both down onto the bed, "It's okay to talk about it Alec."

"Magnus," Alec whispered. It was the only thing he felt he could get out. It was the only thing pulsing through his head, repeating itself again and again and _again._

"Is Magnus someone you know?" Mack asked, starting to rub circles on Alec's back, "Your ex?"

Alec silently nodded, feeling both incredibly vulnerable and empowered by how much Mack seemed to care. Surely it wasn't _too_ weird to pour your heart out to a random hook-up about how you ruined your relationship with the first man to really love you.

"I fucked it all up, he loved me and I fucked it up," Alec mumbled, his head in his hands, "he was so beautiful and amazing and I screwed up and he doesn't love me anymore but _Angel,_ I still love him."

"Let me guess, you've been trying to numb the pain by sleeping with strangers and blurring your thoughts with booze?"

"Ho-how did you..." Alec stuttered out.

"I've been there, Alec," Mack told him, "almost everyone I know has been there, break-ups happen, and they always hurt."

Alec was shocked. Within Shadowhunter culture, people usually fell in love once and stayed together forever. Nobody had warned him that sometimes it wasn't the case.

"Have you talked to anyone about it?" Mack asked softly.

"Well, I guess my siblings and our friends _know,_ but, knowing them I think if I told someone the whole story I would get physically injured," Alec admitted, his voice cracking, "and well… my parents are probably glad we broke up."

"Not supportive, huh?" Mack let out a dry laugh, "A good friend of mine, his parents are the same. They could barely look him in the eye when he came out. They're a bit better now, of course, but they haven't really acted like the same family ever since."

"I've barely seen my dad since I told them. He just ran off to Europe because he couldn't handle anything anymore," Alec said ruefully, "and I just… I know it's because of me."

"Wow, he doesn't sound fun," Mack murmured, sympathising with Alec, "but I promise you that it's not your fault. If your dad is an awful father, it's his issue, not yours."

"I guess…" Alec uttered softly, as if he didn't want to admit it. He didn't _deserve_ to admit it.

"So this Magnus guy," Mack started, "What happened with you two?"

"Well he was my first boyfriend. He helped me come out since he's been out for so long and he put up with me being scared of who I am for so long and never complained. He was the kind of guy who could fix anything, whether it was people or things or just awkward conversations and he was _so amazing_ ," Alec could feel himself rambling, but he couldn't find it in him to care, "and I fucked up. I tried to change myself for him but I couldn't and so I tried to change _him_ instead. And… I might have enlisted the help of one of his exes, who, as it turns out, he had broken up with because she was an awful person and she told him I'd talked to her and now... here we are…"

"Shit dude, that's rough…" Mack grimaced, before straightening up and facing Alec square on, "Hey, Alec, remember that he's your first boyfriend. You're not experienced, and, from the sound of your family, you were probably never prepared for what dating is like-"

"No, but I fucked it up so _badly_ ," Alec interrupted suddenly, feeling like nothing Mack could say would mean anything other than a stranger's futile attempts to calm down his distressed hookup, "I can't keep making excuses. That's all my friends keep doing - just _excusing_ me... when it was _my fault._ "

"Well I mean, sure, it was your fault. You screwed up, but who hasn't? It doesn't mean he won't forgive you and it sure as hell doesn't mean you can't forgive yourself. You owe yourself that, at least. Look, the reality is, in relationships, you can't try and change each other, because you'll never really be happy with the people you become. And sometimes it takes messing up to figure that out."

"But I feel like I'll never get the chance to get it right. My parents will probably try and force me to marry some girl now that Magnus is gone. Someone I'll end up hating because I still love Magnus and I can't be with him anymore," Alec sighed, "it feels like I'll never love someone as much as I love him."

"Okay so, either you and Magnus get back together or you don't, but you can't live your whole life thinking about what could have been, or asking yourself why you did what you did. You've gotta give the other people around you a chance to love you and be loved," Mack tilted Alec's face to look him in the eye, "one day you're gonna meet guy who could love you just as much as Magnus did, and you've gotta give him a fair chance instead of closing yourself off because of one heartbreak."

Alec thought about it. Now that he had made his dramatic debut out of the closet, there were more and more Nephilim, young and old following his lead. There would surely be someone else to love in the whole world of Downworlders and Shadowhunters combined.

"Alec, you're not gonna live forever, you can't just dwell on your mistakes."

Alec had left with more vigour in step. He had purpose, he would make things right with himself before trying to do the same with anyone else, Magnus or otherwise.

 _He's right,_ Alec thought to himself, _I'm not gonna live forever. Maybe that's okay._


End file.
